Monday, April 8, 2013
We are 3 months from delivering our little girl after losing one to miscarriage a year ago next Tuesday. It's been a rough year, hard to be happy for a new baby when I was so sad for the last. God is healing me and helping me find the lessons He has for me through this experience. I've been in an excellent Bible study through Genesis--so many moms have lost children, so many have been pregnant and given birth, one mom died in childbirth--I feel like I've been through all those experiences with them.
As I've neared the anniversary date, I've gotten really honest with the Lord about our loss, how I feel about losing our baby and how I feel about God--I've been angry perhaps longer than I've realized. I've been avoiding my feelings, haven't journaled much or talked about it as much as I did at first. Last week, I had a great conversation with God and allowed Him to speak to me--He reminded me of the verses I first saw, just a few days after losing our baby.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
It's certainly not a joyful thing to lose a child--it's so painful! And this was our second one who was born straight into heaven (the first was 10 days shy of 10 years before the most recent one). The takeaway for me from these verses was that God considered me worthy to suffer in order to know Him better.
Romans 8:28-29 says this:
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.
To me, the meaning of those verses is this: God works ALL things together to conform me more into the likeness of His Son Jesus Christ. The purpose of suffering is to become more like Jesus. I will tell you it's not fun nor is it easy to suffer; it doesn't feel happy--but joy isn't happiness; it's a deep-rooted sense that God is in control and I don't have to have all the answers--and the joy really comes knowing that God is developing things in me that wouldn't come any other way.
It's comforting to know that God loves me so much, feels my pain, and He has been through so much more than I have. God's Son died, too. He knows the pain of separation, physically and spiritually. It was a lot for Him to bear--but He endured it so that He could have more children, more sons and daughters who would look and talk and act just like Him.
I'm so grateful that this life here on earth is not the end, not the last word, not the only experience we as Christians will have. In heaven, all will be set right, all will be perfect, we will all look and talk and act just like Jesus Christ--to the glory of God the Father.